• Bundle up.  This involves wearing layer upon layer of ugly, ill-fitting, thick garments that inhibit moving your arms and legs.  Oddly enough, almost the only store in Canada that carries regular ear muffs is Walmart.  (Americans living in Canada have figured out that it’s cold.  Canadian fashion has gracefully moved beyond that, and decided death is preferably to looking like furry creatures are eating your ears.)  Wear a hat…the uglier it is, the warmer it will be.  You’ll know you have enough layers when you slip on the ice and wave your arms and legs up and down in the snow, but cannot actually get up.  People living in the south are blissfully unaware of the tragedy of the ‘snow angel.’ 
  • Try to travel in pairs.  This comes in handy when you’re lying on your back and cannot get up.  Unless your travel buddy slips on the ice in the attempt to help you up.  The bonus is having someone to hug while hypothermia sets in.  Nobody should freeze alone.
  • Stock your car with emergency items.  The ‘experts’ recommend having bottled water, seemingly unaware of the fact that bottled water will freeze.  Better to have CAA membership and a fully charged cellphone with Starbucks on speed dial.
  • Ensure you kitchen at home is well stocked all the time.  No sense running out of milk and dogfood in a blizzard.  Plus, you’ll be prepared when your fun loving relatives who travel in ‘the off season,’ show up at your door.  Offer them milk, but not dogfood.
  • Consume sufficient liquids.  Coffee is best.  Donuts help you absorb coffee.  This is why they’re sold together.  Sadly, many grocery stores have yet to figure this out, and place their coffee way too far from their donuts.  And you thought the cops were just wasting time!
  • Call in for the occasional ‘snow day.’  This keeps your boss on his or her toes, finding staff to fill in when everyone calls in for a ‘snow day.’  Remember to check the weather report, as it’s accurate up to thirty percent of the time.  Be flexible–know when to change that ‘snow day’ to a ‘sick day.’
  • Now that you’re no longer employed, spend lots and lots of time on the Internet.  There’s no possible way you can get into trouble on the Internet!
  • Have lots of snacks, games, and toys on hand for the kids when the schools decide to call a ‘snow day.’  This will keep them from bothering you while you’re on the Internet.
  • Bring pets inside.  Walmart doesn’t yet carry earmuffs for pets, so they can’t look like an animal is eating their ears, unless, well, it really is.  Get off the Internet and go rescue them!  Only take them out in the cold if you’re out there, too.
  • Remember that cold metal sticks to anything wet.  The colder and wetter, the worse it sticks.  (Why you would want to lick anything metal in the first place, no-one wants to know.)
  • Metal gets brittle at minus fifty.  Don’t slam the door or you’ll be replacing the doorknob.  In the cold, while freezing.  This will take valuable time away from being on the Internet.  If you must drive, close your car doors carefully.  Avoid accidents altogether.
  • Consider moving to a warmer climate.  I hear Internet service is better.

Thanks for reading.  I hope you enjoyed this little ‘rage against the cold.’  Keep warm.  🙂

Phyllis K Twombly


About Scifialiens

Author of the Martian Symbiont series: three titles, so far; Been Blued, Martian Blues, Martian Divides. Currently writing screenplays. 'Mating With Humans' can be found on her Stage32.com account. Enjoyed writing from the start. Also a Star Trek and Doctor Who fan. Canadian so far. Paternal grandparents were American. Feels more at home in the States. Loves dogs and most other animals. Loves cats from afar--allergies. Plays flute and saxophone; 'messes with' keyboard and electric guitar. Single so far. Not really looking at the moment. Age: irrelevant. Not to be confused with the fictional comic book character, Phyllis Twombly, who lived for 600 years in the American Midwest.

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